CORPORATE BULLSHIT

I think it's safe to say that the turnover rate in the restaurant business is, for the most part rather high. It's rare that you find a well-run restaurant with good staff members and a management tem that treats you right and makes you want to stay. Usually, but not always, this type of environment will be a privately owned place.

So, the other day I felt sick to my stomach when one of my co-workers told me a story that happened at her second job. I had been there once, while waiting for her to get out of work. The bartender was a little older then myself and he kept me company while I was waiting for Sandy to finish her shift.

Apperantly, the restaurant had been secret-shopped. (Someone is payed to pose as a guest and then report on the service, in other words, a spy) There were a couple of regulars coming in, and the bartender I had met gave them a drink on the house. I can't think of any bar that I go to on a regular basis that doesn't do this. People return again and again because of gestures like this. In this case however, the "spy" reported it to the management and the bartender, as well as another employee were fired the following day.

They had both been working at the restaurant for 7 years. This is something I have come to expect from the corporate world of layoffs and terminations. It's a sad day when this business is becoming just as corporate and cold hearted.

RENTAL FEE

Yesterday, as I looked around the restaurant I realize that our kindness to our regulars is being taken advantage of. Occasionally, we have people who dine alone who ask if they can plug their laptops in to an outlet. Since we are connected to a retail store, there are outlets on the floors in order to plug in antique lamps which we have for sale. I don't mind letting them use their computers while they are having lunch. Not a big deal.

However, things have gotten out of hand. The restaurant is beginning to look like computer lab. People have gotten the idea that they can order a cup of coffee and sit for hours typing away, asking for refills every half hour or so. The office meetings being held are at an all time high, and I'm just waiting for someone to wheel in a powerpoint projector. I can't get a word in to even find out what they would like to eat. When I try to ask I get the "how dare you interrupt our business meeting" look.

I reached my boiling point when a young couple came in, asked for coffee and then proceeded to seal envelopes and put stamps on their wedding invitations. Wouldn't they much rather do this in their home, and after flying high on the wedding bliss bullshit, they can fuck instead of gazing into each other's eyes across the table. I don't understand people sometimes. The overly excited bride-to-be even had the nerve to ask me if I had calligraphy pen she could borrow. Right, cause we often hand those out when you sign your credit card slip.

I'm going to start adding a rental fee to the bottom of the check. It will be another one listed as miscellaneous bullshit.

NOT THE RUM!

It's amazing that ten minutes back in New York can destroy the relaxed, stress-free feeling I had during the weeks I spent in Jamaica.

I had tucked a bottle of alcohol into my suitcase. I mean, you can't go to the Caribbean without bringing some of their finest rum back with you. It's sacrilegious. So, to insure it's survival I had wrapped it in a towel, and I'm not talking a little bath towel. I don't take chances like that. This was a big-ass beach towel that was cradling the bottle like a little baby. Of course I would much rather have put it in my carry on luggage but because of the no liquids rule, that just wasn't possible.

When I picked up my suitcase in the airport I had a bad feeling. It had made it through the first stop-over but leave it to LaGuardia to ruin everything. When I opened my suitcase there was rum everywhere. I wasn't the only one this happened to, the entire baggage claim smelled like a biker bar. If I didn't know better I'd think the people who handle the luggage had some sort of bet going with each other. "Hey, 20 bucks says I can take out more rum bottles than you!"

NOT A FAN

I went to the Yankees game this Saturday (Roger Clemens return to the team). I'd never been to a game, but everyone seems to think the Yankees are the coolest thing ever. I don't really agree, (considering Jeter is currently doing Avon commercials), but I figured it would be fun to go.

My friends and I had bleacher tickets, and therefore we were seated at the end of the outfield. This I did not mind. For 12$ there were definitely some perks to looking at the Yankees from that angle. I had two things I wanted in my hand the moment I sat down; A beer and a hot dog. I got my Nathan's hot dog(for 4.75$!) however, I learned they don't sell beer in the bleacher seats. What kind of bullshit was that? Apperently they stopped this because us poor people get too rowdy when we drink.

Halfway through the game my friend Bryn got up to get a pretzel, and returned a few moments later pretzel-less with some wild story about some old man who wanted to fight her over her place in the pretzel line. I told her not to feel bad I had already been yelled at by the police because after my ass fell asleep, I stood up for a moment to stretch.

After the mostly uneventful game some wonderful drunk fan (obviously sitting in the non-bleacher seats) pulled the E-Brake on the subway, bringing it to a screeching halt. We sat for 30 minutes, too packed to move or sit down while we waited for the MTA officials to check each of the carriages. It was hot, I was sober and knew exactly how Elaine felt on Seinfeld.

So I've decided that next time, I'm getting Met's tickets. The hell with the Yankees.

YOU'RE FIRED

Tip pools are the best of times and the worst of times. They are wonderful because if you get the awful table that sits all night drinking tea and coffee, your co worker with the 8top and 400$ tab makes up for it. On top of that, everyone works together and people have no problem telling each other when they need to step up. For the most part, things are less stressful because we are all on the same team.

At the same time, there’s always the one person that everyone wants to vote off the island. You're forced to share your money that you earned and they slacked off for. It’s like when your teacher used to grade on a curve, and there was always the one person who fucked it up for everyone. You hate them.

That person is one of our bussers who on top of not doing a damn thing, drives everyone crazy by simply being himself. Harsh, I know but literally no one at the restaurant likes him. So when our assistant manager Lori passed the word on to a few of us, “not to say anything, but, today will probably be his last day,” we breathed a sigh of relief. Naturally, ten minutes later the entire staff knew about his up and coming farewell, and decided to migrate to our bar while we waited to find out if the news was to good to be true.

We drank at the bar while he spent over an hour in the office. No signs of life yet. And then, he got his belongings together and brushed by us as we looked on, wide eyed and trying to pretend like we had no idea what was happening. The hush falls over the group, like when you know someone was just talking about you. He didn’t say good bye and we knew it didn't go well.

So this morning, I was ready for a relaxing day, stress free and the start of a brand new era at the restaurant. I rounded the corner coming out of the back area and I almost fell over. There he was coming through the front door. I prayed he was just picking up his paycheck, but he marched over to the computer and clocked in for his shift.

My manager didn’t have the balls to do it.

THE MEETING

Every so often, the management team at a restaurant have a little chat and decide that things need to change. Service is slipping and some issues need to be addressed. Then there is the inevitable note tacked up next to the schedule. Mandatory meeting, everyone must attend. It always sounds like a life or death situation, and management will remind you so every day leading up to the meeting. You better get a damn good excuse ready ahead of time for not showing up. I have yet to see someone fired for not attending, but you will get the worst shifts ever until they grow up and forgive you.

The meeting will always be scheduled on your only day off. This is a fact. Some places will pay you while they waste your time. Others will not. The same issues will always be addressed at each one.

"I'd really like to emphasize the importance of being on time, and working together as a team. We have some new menu items that I think we should go over." Today's even involved a test. Yes that's right, a written test in which all 15 or so front of house employees were sat at separate tables and handed a test face down. I found this incredibly humorous. In fact, I drew several pictures on the back when I was finished. I guess nothing changes since elementary school.

The one and only reason why people attend is after an hour or so of their rambling, out of courtesy, they ask if we have anything to say. Of course we do, we complain about the job constantly. I watch as my GM braces himself for the attack. After a five minute flurry of "you need less people on the floor on Saturday's"; hands are still in the air waiting to be called on. People are busting out of their seats ready to tell them to order more martini glasses so we don't have to serve martinis in wine glasses.

But, instead the GM interrupts. "Well, I think we're done here. I'm going to wrap this up. Thanks for coming in on your day off."