ACCESS DENIED

A miracle happened at work the other day.

"Guys, get over here now!" one of the servers summoned us.

"Whats up, I'm kinda busy. This better be good." He was waving a black amex around.

I have to admit I hate black amex cards. Number one the damn things are made of lead(or titanium, whatever) and are tricky to swipe on the computer because they are so thick. Number two, I can't help but get that feeling of envy everytime I pick one up. I analyze the person and think in my head "what the hell do you do that allows you to have a black amex?" I mean, they are like the holy grail of the Amex cards. Teach me your ways. The worst is when someone who is about a year older then me hands one over.

For starters, there are only an estimated 10,000 black Amex cards that exist. This low number shocked me since I usually get one just about every day. You have to charge a minimum of $250,000 a year to qualify. Hopefully someday someone won't be making that end of year quota and have to throw the rest on my tip. (Hey, let me dream ok?)

It's a secret mystery as to how you actually apply for one, and what specifically qualifies you. There is a rumor going around that the most elite of the elite now have the "American Express Crystal Card." I'm praying the name does not reflect what it will be made of. Point being, these things are no joke, and normally people don't just wave them around the restaurant.

"This black amex just got declined." We all stopped dead.

"That's not possible."

"Let me see the slip." Sure as shit, there it was, declined. Big bold print.

Oh, how I wished that was my table. I know it's a little messed up, but I would LOVE to hand that card back and say to that CEO at his lunch meeting with a sweet, sweet smile on my face "I'm sorry sir, but your card was declined."

In reality, it was probably a computer failure. It would have to be a miracle to have an actual Black Amex get rejected. But hey, you never know it could happen in the near future.

After all, Britney Spears has one.

THE BEST SYSTEM SINCE POS?

The French resto. I am currently working at has an awesome system called VirtualGM. Has anyone heard of this? It lets you create your own weekly schedule, take days off in advance, post blog comments, "call in" to work via internet, and get updated information and announcements about the job. It's almost like the Angel system a lot of colleges use for professors to post homework assignments.

That's the downside. In terms of taking off for that concert you heard about last minute, it's amazing. Going on vacation? No problem, just put it on the virtual calender. However, now you have to take "server work" home with you. I'm beginning to think that having to check this Virtual GM every night for announcements might get annoying. The nice thing about a serving job is when you leave there is no homework. There's no taking the office back with you, once you are out of those doors you are free to be. This system may change that a bit so we will see how it goes.

As for me, I've been training and (it may be just this restaurant)but they require you to take a slew of online tests when you get home from training each night. Which is just what you want after a day of training when your brain has already absorbed more menu descriptions and wine pairings than humanly possible. Plus, you have to print pages upon pages of restaurant info, it's history, photos of the entrees, and price lists, which is sucking my ink down.

Anyway, if anyone else has been using this system let me know what you think of it. Is Virtual GM the wave of the future in the industry, or just great in theory?

COUCH SURFING

Hey..this is specifically for Michael Abbot who left a comment under TAKE THAT FOX....You never left your e-mail. I get too many of those couch surfing requests because everyone and their brother wants to visit New York. I do read some of them if it's a weekend that might be available. Anyways...send me your e-mail and we can chat. If you don't seem crazy, couch is all yours.

THE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

To start off, I'd like to apologize for my lack of postings in like, over a month. I've been fired at my latest restaurant job for missing a meeting. I always attend meetings, and this one happened to be on a Sunday at 8am, after I had worked until close the night before. I slept through my alarm clock and they fired me. Since, I have been taking some time off and putting all my effort into trying to find an editorial position in the city(and taking a mini break to Florida). So far, no luck on the job but Florida was grand. So alas, just when I thought I might have a shot at retiring the apron and tossing the server shoes, I am out of money and back in the thick of it. And so far, what a return it has been.

I had been given the heads up about the restaurant’s stealth-firing of me (they waited until 3 weeks after the meeting to do so) by some co-workers that heard through the grapevine. So naturally, when they called me down to the office my response was “If you are going to fire me, can you make it quick? I have an interview to go to in twenty minutes.”
Upon starting the new job, I was handed an employee handbook. Since it was incredibly slow due to the weather, I did something unheard of. I actually read this 35 page beast! Have you ever read your employee handbook? If not, I suggest you do so right away. My room mates and I had a long laugh. Here are some of my favorite passages. (the green comments are mine, obviously)

PAGE 20:
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
If you need bereavement leave, MIRAGE RESTAURANTS allows ONE day of UNPAID bereavement leave for front of house and kitchen employees for the death of an IMMEDIATE family member. MIRAGE RESTAURANTS may request VERIFICATION OF THE DEATH and/or RELATIONSHIP of the deceased in order to AUTHORIZE bereavement leave.

-Wait..hold the funeral, I need a DNA sample and a note from the coroner! Oh, that was your adopted sister? Clearly, you’re not related. (DAY OFF REQUEST DENIED) Grandmother? Still have to work, not immediate family. I’ll tell you what, when your mother dies THEN you can have ONE unpaid day off, but you have to prove it is her, beyond a reasonable doubt.

PAGE 8:
INSPECTION POLICY
The person or property of anyone on Company property may be subject to inspection without advance notice. Often inspections are on a “spot check,” merely random basis that in no way implies guilt or suspicion of wrongdoing. Anyone who refuses an inspection request will be viewed in the same way as someone who has had an inspection which detects wrongdoing. In addition, such a refusal will be regarded as insubordinate behavior.
-Gotta love that patriot act.

ALSO PAGE 8
(it’s a good one)
DRESS CODE, APPERANCE, and CLEANLINESS
Employees must have neat hair cuts, clean nails, and be devoid of body odors. Employees must observe the following.
-Jewelry must be kept to a minimum, Male servers should not wear earrings. Female servers may have one in each ear.
-Be aware of your posture. NEVER FOLD YOUR ARMS IN FRONT OF YOU. Stand up straight.
-Socks. (that’s all it says…just socks)

PAGE 19
SICK TIME
Servers are responsible for finding another employee to cover their shift when they are out sick. If an employee, because of severe illness or hospitalization, cannot call in, the employee must have someone else call in on behalf of the employee.
-So…make sure you have one of your friends sign a proxy before you start, that in case you are in a coma, they promise to call in to work for you.
Kitchen and management staff who are employed for more than one year may take up to 3 days of paid sick time. (Servers, you’re SOL) Sick leave is not to be used for personal time off. Management may require an employee to furnish a doctor’s statement to prove illness. (right..but since most restaurants don’t offer health insurance we aren’t likely to be visiting a doctor anytime soon.)

PAGE 19
HOLIDAYS
MIRAGE RESTAURANTS is closed Thanksgiving and Christmas day. ( WOO HOO! Clearly no one gives a shit about the veterans or the new year) There is no additional pay for working other holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas days are not paid for front of house employees.

PAGE 20
VACATION DAYS
Front of house employees who have been employed for more than one full year may take up to one week (5 working days) of UNPAID vacation. GEE, THANKS how thoughtful

PAGE 21
JURY DUTY LEAVE
Hourly employees will be paid their regular daily pay or forty dollars ($40) a day, whichever is LESS, for the first three days of jury service. Jury duty after the first three days will not be paid.
Let’s just hope OJ doesn’t go on another killing spree, cause you might be out of work for a while.