THE LIST
Things all customers should know
1.) Don't ask the question: How can you not have that?? I mean isn’t this an Italian restaurant? I DID NOT WRITE THE MENU. SOME CORPORATE CEO THAT MAKES MILLIONS OF DOLLARS EVERY YEAR CAME UP WITH IT. YOU TELLING ME THIS WILL DO NOTHING. NO THIS IS NOT A REAL ITALIAN RESTAURANT, IT'S A CHAIN. IF YOU WANT REAL ITALIAN, HOP ON A PLANE AND GO TO ITALY.
2.) Let it be known that I am your server, not your babysitter. If your little brats are running around and I step on them, I DONT GIVE A SHIT. Also, if they can't sit still and want to go home early, don't take it out on my tip. Next time, leave them home.
3.) There are only three acceptable reasons for sucking your drink down before I can even take your order.
1.) YOU JUST HAD MIND BLOWING SEX
2.) YOU ARE HUNGOVER
3.) WICKED COTTON MOUTH
Just because they are free, doesn't mean you can drink 8 mountain dews. Also drinking excessive amounts of diet soda is not diet-like.
4.) IF you order Beringer WHITE ZINFENDEL there is no need to sniff the wine. It's one step up from the box. If you smell it, I will laugh at you.
5.) SIT AT THE TABLE. Most places have a hostess for a reason. We follow a rotation so that one server does not get slammed with tables. We do this to provide better service for you. I know many people need constant cushions under their fat asses to absorb the weight, and will get up from the table we place you at and re-locate to a booth. THIS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
6.) ASK FOR THINGS WHILE I AM AT THE TABLE. When I come over and say "How is everything?" I am not doing it for my health. Tell me if you need something. If you need a refill and some ketchup, tell me both right then and there. Don't wait until I come back with the refill to tell me you need the ketchup.
7.) Please don't place band aids, drug needles, contacts, toe jam, fingernails, marbles, teeth, q-tips, car keys, cigarette butts, monopoly pieces, hearing aids, razors, dental floss, postage stamps, paper clips, glass shards, stickers, gum wrappers, bullets, tampons or any other small items in the food in an attempt to have it taken off your bill. It's just pathetic.
8.) PAY ATTENTION. When I am trying to take your order, stop talking. Figure out what you want, then continue your conversation. I don't like being ignored when I am just trying to do my job.
9.) Get off the phone. If you are on your cell phone, that makes it my turn to ignore you. I will not go to your table if you are on one. Plus it's rude to the person you are out to eat with if you are on your cell. A little etiquette would be nice.
10.) ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING LEMONS! I want Coca Cola to put a water with lemon flavor button on the coke machine so I can charge you 3.00 for some lemon flavored water. I would get great pleasure from that. Oh, and If you want limes, cherries, oranges, or water served in chilled martini glasses, I'm charging extra for that too. It'll be listed on your bill as miscellaneous bullshit.
1.) Don't ask the question: How can you not have that?? I mean isn’t this an Italian restaurant? I DID NOT WRITE THE MENU. SOME CORPORATE CEO THAT MAKES MILLIONS OF DOLLARS EVERY YEAR CAME UP WITH IT. YOU TELLING ME THIS WILL DO NOTHING. NO THIS IS NOT A REAL ITALIAN RESTAURANT, IT'S A CHAIN. IF YOU WANT REAL ITALIAN, HOP ON A PLANE AND GO TO ITALY.
2.) Let it be known that I am your server, not your babysitter. If your little brats are running around and I step on them, I DONT GIVE A SHIT. Also, if they can't sit still and want to go home early, don't take it out on my tip. Next time, leave them home.
3.) There are only three acceptable reasons for sucking your drink down before I can even take your order.
1.) YOU JUST HAD MIND BLOWING SEX
2.) YOU ARE HUNGOVER
3.) WICKED COTTON MOUTH
Just because they are free, doesn't mean you can drink 8 mountain dews. Also drinking excessive amounts of diet soda is not diet-like.
4.) IF you order Beringer WHITE ZINFENDEL there is no need to sniff the wine. It's one step up from the box. If you smell it, I will laugh at you.
5.) SIT AT THE TABLE. Most places have a hostess for a reason. We follow a rotation so that one server does not get slammed with tables. We do this to provide better service for you. I know many people need constant cushions under their fat asses to absorb the weight, and will get up from the table we place you at and re-locate to a booth. THIS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.
6.) ASK FOR THINGS WHILE I AM AT THE TABLE. When I come over and say "How is everything?" I am not doing it for my health. Tell me if you need something. If you need a refill and some ketchup, tell me both right then and there. Don't wait until I come back with the refill to tell me you need the ketchup.
7.) Please don't place band aids, drug needles, contacts, toe jam, fingernails, marbles, teeth, q-tips, car keys, cigarette butts, monopoly pieces, hearing aids, razors, dental floss, postage stamps, paper clips, glass shards, stickers, gum wrappers, bullets, tampons or any other small items in the food in an attempt to have it taken off your bill. It's just pathetic.
8.) PAY ATTENTION. When I am trying to take your order, stop talking. Figure out what you want, then continue your conversation. I don't like being ignored when I am just trying to do my job.
9.) Get off the phone. If you are on your cell phone, that makes it my turn to ignore you. I will not go to your table if you are on one. Plus it's rude to the person you are out to eat with if you are on your cell. A little etiquette would be nice.
10.) ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING LEMONS! I want Coca Cola to put a water with lemon flavor button on the coke machine so I can charge you 3.00 for some lemon flavored water. I would get great pleasure from that. Oh, and If you want limes, cherries, oranges, or water served in chilled martini glasses, I'm charging extra for that too. It'll be listed on your bill as miscellaneous bullshit.
posted by nola at
8:59 PM
1 Comments:
haha. I think you left off... ordering things without first looking at the menu. Almost as great as the "why don't you serve..." bs.
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